Feb 5 2009 Thursday, 8:00 am
Guest Writer – Zurin
Kisah Dan Pengalaman Hitamku
I have a secret which I kept for almost 25 years. I do feel like telling people about it, but never found a way to do it ‘comfortably’. I do not want people to blame me or pity me. Let bygone be bygone.
I just want readers to be extra careful, even in the safest environment. It happened when I was so young, about 5 to 9 years old. I was too small to understand things and too naïve to ‘not to believe people’, especially when they ARE the people who I should believe in. I was ‘tricked’ to have sex. More like, RAPED, because at that age, I didn’t know what it is.
But, I did not shout etc (unlike what some people have in mind when they heard the word ‘raped’) as again, I didn’t know what the hell I am doing. I also did not object because I was told that it is the right thing to do. “Everyone plays this game”…and that ‘should-be-trusted’ person cited several familiar names. “It hurts a little, but it’s going to be fine”….I was told. “Why don’t you play with this toy while abang plays with you”…..and I obediently look at my toy while he’s doing the ‘thing’. Sometimes it’s a doll, or bubbles, or sometimes I was tricked with a candy bar. By whom? They are not strangers. They are my cousins, who (at that time) were about 15 to 18 years old.
In the eyes of a 5 year old, they are trustable enough. THEY…as there are two of them. I don’t know whether they talked with each other to TRY ME. But it did happen on different occasions. You may wonder, why did I expose myself to the dangers? I live in a village, where relatives live next to each other. So if I am not in my house, my mother won’t worry much as I might be next door, in my relatives’ houses.
The first cousin lives with my grandma. It happened when I was watching TV in my grandma’s house. He asked me to come into his room upstairs as he has something to show. Grandma, at that time, was cooking in the kitchen. The other one came occasionally. I was playing hide and seek with 5-6 more cousins. He said he has a nice spot to hide, and he locked the door to the room so that no one bothers to find us there. In all occasions, I think the adults in the house NEVER thought such thing would happen. They thought that their kids are safe, because they are playing in the house, with their own relatives. After all, semua dari keluarga baik2 aje. It stops when I started to be able to understand things.
I think I read the word ‘rogol’ in a newspaper and asked someone about it. Upon hearing the explanation, I came into my senses. I began to question things, like; ‘if it is right, why did they tell me not to tell anybody about it’ (I think I did mention to other small cousins, but I don’t think they also know what I am talking about at that time). So, I distanced myself from them. I would avoid being where they are. And of course, I said NO when they asked me to come near them. I grew up normally. I don’t think what they did affect me in a negative ways. I don’t have bad dreams whatsoever…maybe because I don’t think about it much. Or maybe because I rarely see them anymore after that (they started working and live elsewhere).
Part of me is telling me that they are just BOYS. Although they are older than me, MAYBE they are not CERDIK enough to know what is bad and what is not. But another part of me does wish BAD things happened to them. But I do have several kinds of ‘phobia’. I am so ‘phobia’ when I see young girls who are so ‘mesra alam’. I was that kind of girl: likes to smile, likes to laugh, bubbly. I could say…Adorable… in some sense.
There are times that I blame myself for what has happened. But then, I don’t think that they CHOSE me because of what I am. In fact, maybe this happened to my other cousins as well. I never knew, because they might never tell anyone….just like me. Now that I have daughters, I am kind of phobia to leave them anywhere. Even in my mothers’ house. I imagine them wandering to other relatives houses, or any of their teenage cousins came to my mother’s house. They might just be watching tv together….or just playing hide and seek.
The next thing you know, they ended up like me…..
So my advice :
a) if you have a young daughter, never let her out of your sight…especially anywhere that there is a ‘possible predator’. Even in your own house!
b) If you have a teenage son, please JAGA TEPI KAIN dia.Check his belongings for indicators that he MIGHT be thinking of trying IT on a little girl.
c) Do your best, and just pray to Allah so that this thing won’t happen to anyone again!
Zurin
vagg
Feb 05, 2009 @ 08:24:13
zurin…
apa je dugaan yang berlaku kat kita nih diberi oleh ALLAH berdasarkan keupayaan masing2…
dan awak diduga sebegitu.. kerana awak berupaya menghadapinya dengan tenang dan tidak membiarkan benda tuh menghantui diri dan masa depan awak dengan teruk sekali. ALHAMDULILLAH takde mimpi-mimpi buruk.. dan tekanan teruk yang boleh mengganggu awak menjalan hidup cam orang lain dalam hari2 awak..
mungkin org xtau bagaimana yang awak rasa di dalam hati..
tapi satu je yang leh saya cakap.. u are so strong..
apa yang berlaku setiap apa yang berlaku tuh akan ada bahagian masing2.. tuh janji DIA kan..
untuk kesabaran awak.. pun ada balasannya..
untuk apa yang diorang buat.. juga ada..
kita doakan yang baik untuk sesama kita..
moga terselamat dr apa je..
dan awak pun membuktikan..
apa yang berlaku bukan PENGAKHIRAN HIDUP awak..
vagg´s last blog post..SALAH SAPE TAK PAT ONLINE??
Aisar
Feb 05, 2009 @ 08:27:55
OMG … that was so sickening … and for that to happen to an innocent young girl =( ! My heart goes out for you my dear, hopefully you will find the strength to soldier on despite of the things that those MONSTERS had done! These people DO NOT deserve to live :p ! I have a two-year-old little girl and I have been extra careful (so far) – I don’t even put her in the same bedroom as her own brother! My mother used to say that I’m taking it too far and that I was sharing the same room with my brother for 15 years and everything had turned out fine – but I’m not taking any chances! Stories like yours are really heart-wrenching and NOBODY should go through what you had experienced. Be strong my dear, my prayers are with you.
Ann
Feb 05, 2009 @ 08:31:13
sy dulu pn hampir kna the same thing..xingt ms umur brapa tp skolh rndh lh..sy dan sorg lagi kawan pegi ikut abang dia..konon nya nk pegi sungai, nak mandi2 kan..tiba2 bila sampai tu abang dia bukak sluar,tunjukkn brg dia and suruh kitorang pegang..even xtau pape lagi ms tu, tp sy tau bnda tu x elok dan sy trus berlari balik..sejak tu, sy xpernah nak baek dgn abang kwn sy tu and sampai skrang kalau nmpk dia rasa cam bg penyepak je..
5ruz
Feb 05, 2009 @ 08:37:19
wow what a story!
i have been molested by a cousin of mine when i was 9 so i know what u have been through and i can imagine how u feel about this.
be strong~
miMiE aZiM@Sk ^V^
Feb 05, 2009 @ 08:45:26
zurin…
really feel sorry for you…
semoga Allah membalas segala perbuatan jahat yang zurin terima…
banyakkan bersabar dan sesungguhnya sabar itu separuh daripada iman…..
take care yer zurin
miMiE aZiM@Sk ^V^´s last blog post..pakej hotel lagik!!!
Isyrak
Feb 05, 2009 @ 08:56:45
Salam Kak Zurin.. takut izza membaca kisah ni.. selama ni tak pernah terfikir kejadian camtu berlaku secara baik.. mungkin family izza dr jenis yang serius.. kami(adik beradik perempuan) takkan sesekali dibenarkan masuk ke dlm bilik adik beradik lelaki dan begitu juga adik beradik lelaki sama sekali tak dibenarkan masuk ke dalam bilik kami. Walaupun untuk bermain. Sekarang pun automatik kami takkan benarkan anak2 saudara kami(lelaki) tuk masuk ke dalam bilik kami. Walaupun die hanyalah kanak2. Izza rasa cara tu lebih baik untuk diamalkan di zaman sekarang.
http://littlemermaid.mysekolah.com/
yummy mummy
Feb 05, 2009 @ 09:10:49
dear zurin,
don’t ever blame yrself for what has happened. it was never yr fault in the first place. good to hear that you’re ok now and taking xtra caution with yr kids.
ellin
Feb 05, 2009 @ 09:13:04
Saya ada pengalaman yg lebih kurang sama mcm akak. Tapi sy cuma dicabul oleh pakcik sendiri. Sy mmg tak tahu menahu apa yg dia buat kat saya. Tapi yg pelik nya… sampai skang sy masih ada hubungan baik dgn pakcik dan takmo pikir sbb dia baik. Dan dia laks skang kalau jumpa saya dia masih amik berat macam anak sendiri cuma nampak kekesalan kat muka dia. Seolah2 dia nak tebus kesalahan dia kat sy. Masa tuh sy cuma dalam 5/6 tahun rasanya.
ellin´s last blog post..Henfon SAYA
moralle
Feb 05, 2009 @ 09:40:21
Hi Zurin, hope u tabah dengan segala dugaan yg dah berlaku, I know hw you felt, I’ve gone through this moments few yrs back, thou its not me, but it hurt so much to c the person u love being treated this way. And I knew its not easy to forget, like me n the other person, we r trying to forget the dark memories that happened, I tried my very best to help that person to go through her life without remembering what happened, its difficult thou, but we r still trying…..insyaallah Allah akan memberi balasan kepada manusia yg tak berhati perut seperti ini.
moralle´s last blog post..…POWER RANGERS VS BEN 10…
attyfir
Feb 05, 2009 @ 11:01:33
semoga org itu mendpt balasan..
attyfir´s last blog post..LUnch seMalam
ummijannah
Feb 05, 2009 @ 11:02:51
salam zurin,
banyak2 kan bersabar.setiap yg berlaku ada hikmah nya.ni bahagian awak..so tabah ok.take care
ummijannah´s last blog post..aktiviti smalam
erynne
Feb 05, 2009 @ 11:59:07
takut jugak bace cite zurin ni..sbb ank2 saye 3 pompuan…harap zurin tabah menghadapi ujian drNYA…bagus gak zurin kuorkan cite cam ni..sekurang2nye bg kami kaum2 ibu ni lebih berhati2…
alisha
Feb 05, 2009 @ 13:17:27
zurin, smoga terus tabah utk harungi semua ni..pengalaman & kenangan yg zurin dapat, “terlalu mahal” utk di bayar dgn apa2 pun..smoga org yg perlaku kn zurin mcm tu, akan terima balasan yg setimpal..if xdapat di dunia..di akhirat dh tentu..apa2 skarg ni Tuhan akan bayar cash!
Mizz3
Feb 05, 2009 @ 15:14:01
Zurin.. u have my shoulder to cry on.. I faced the same things before =(
reading your story is like walking down memory lane..
I knew they did that to my cousin too… I never told my family the truth..
afraid my dad will end up in jail for murder.. I remember i started to hate boys..
growing up I never had a boy friend.. lucky now I ended up with someone..
thought I wud never settle down..
I’m now taking extra-extra careful with my dotter..you could never trust anyone!
abgadeq
Feb 05, 2009 @ 16:24:08
eemmm… scary tul bca kann…. mmg betul apa yg zurin katakan nie…. kekdg tu kita cam terlalu sgt percaya pd org sekeliling kita kan… esp. yg ada kaitan ngan kita… tp bila terkena cam nie… nak adukan kat sapa…. sure kita kena blik ….
so kita yg ada ank nie ,… x kira pompuan atau lelaki… kena lah berjaga2…. bgtau mereka apa yg boleh & x … dr kecik lg kena tau batas2 pergaulan……
tuk sume & saya juga…. jaga lah diri kita dan keluarga kita…….
p/s : zaman sekrang lg takut tau…. budak2 kecik dah tau mcm2 kan…… mohon pd NYA semoga kita selamat dunia & akhirat….. insya-ALLAH…..
emm
Feb 06, 2009 @ 21:58:32
ya Allah, sgt takut bila terbaca, sekarang ni sesiapa pon tak boleh percaya, walau adek bradek sekalipon.. lebih2 lagi zaman sekarang ni, semoga kita dijauhkan dari manusia2 yg berniat jahat terhadap kita,amin…
berat mata memandang,berat lagi bahu memikul ..
angel
Jun 29, 2011 @ 15:23:38
saya POn hampir kena..tp anak jiran..jiran yg dh mcm mak ayah angkat..so anak dia 3 lelaki..so dorg jd la mcm abg2 saya..kira kdg2 g sekolah dorg htr incase kalo ayah outstation..1 hari, abg yg sulung suh naik atas umah dia..adik2 dia ada kat bwh..kitaorg tgh tgk kartun..naik la i terkedek2 ke atas..skali kena hempap..dgn susah payah lepaskan diri..tp lepaskan diri bukan sbb ape tp lemas n rimas..xtau lgsg benda apa yg dia cuba buat..maklumla baru drjah 1.di ugutnye if xlayan dia dia xmau buat umah pondok utk saya..tp mujur waras..saya jwb xpe la if xmau buat..abg angah ada..naseb baik saya lari turun.2-3 kali jugak dia try…adik2 dia yg lain sume baik..jaga mcm adik sndri..skrg saya dh kawin..suami pon xtau hal ni…skrg kalo jumpe rasa nak sepak je!