Guest Writer – Zurin

Kisah Dan Pengalaman Hitamku

I have a secret which I kept for almost 25 years. I do feel like telling people about it, but never found a way to do it ‘comfortably’. I do not want people to blame me or pity me. Let bygone be bygone.

I just want readers to be extra careful, even in the safest environment. It happened when I was so young, about 5 to 9 years old. I was too small to understand things and too naïve to ‘not to believe people’, especially when they ARE the people who I should believe in. I was ‘tricked’ to have sex. More like, RAPED, because at that age, I didn’t know what it is.

But, I did not shout etc (unlike what some people have in mind when they heard the word ‘raped’) as again, I didn’t know what the hell I am doing. I also did not object because I was told that it is the right thing to do. “Everyone plays this game”…and that ‘should-be-trusted’ person cited several familiar names. “It hurts a little, but it’s going to be fine”….I was told. “Why don’t you play with this toy while abang plays with you”…..and I obediently look at my toy while he’s doing the ‘thing’. Sometimes it’s a doll, or bubbles, or sometimes I was tricked with a candy bar. By whom? They are not strangers. They are my cousins, who (at that time) were about 15 to 18 years old.

In the eyes of a 5 year old, they are trustable enough. THEY…as there are two of them. I don’t know whether they talked with each other to TRY ME. But it did happen on different occasions. You may wonder, why did I expose myself to the dangers? I live in a village, where relatives live next to each other. So if I am not in my house, my mother won’t worry much as I might be next door, in my relatives’ houses.

The first cousin lives with my grandma. It happened when I was watching TV in my grandma’s house. He asked me to come into his room upstairs as he has something to show. Grandma, at that time, was cooking in the kitchen. The other one came occasionally. I was playing hide and seek with 5-6 more cousins. He said he has a nice spot to hide, and he locked the door to the room so that no one bothers to find us there. In all occasions, I think the adults in the house NEVER thought such thing would happen. They thought that their kids are safe, because they are playing in the house, with their own relatives. After all, semua dari keluarga baik2 aje. It stops when I started to be able to understand things.

I think I read the word ‘rogol’ in a newspaper and asked someone about it. Upon hearing the explanation, I came into my senses. I began to question things, like; ‘if it is right, why did they tell me not to tell anybody about it’ (I think I did mention to other small cousins, but I don’t think they also know what I am talking about at that time). So, I distanced myself from them. I would avoid being where they are. And of course, I said NO when they asked me to come near them. I grew up normally. I don’t think what they did affect me in a negative ways. I don’t have bad dreams whatsoever…maybe because I don’t think about it much. Or maybe because I rarely see them anymore after that (they started working and live elsewhere).

Part of me is telling me that they are just BOYS. Although they are older than me, MAYBE they are not CERDIK enough to know what is bad and what is not. But another part of me does wish BAD things happened to them. But I do have several kinds of ‘phobia’. I am so ‘phobia’ when I see young girls who are so ‘mesra alam’. I was that kind of girl: likes to smile, likes to laugh, bubbly. I could say…Adorable… in some sense.

There are times that I blame myself for what has happened. But then, I don’t think that they CHOSE me because of what I am. In fact, maybe this happened to my other cousins as well. I never knew, because they might never tell anyone….just like me. Now that I have daughters, I am kind of phobia to leave them anywhere. Even in my mothers’ house. I imagine them wandering to other relatives houses, or any of their teenage cousins came to my mother’s house. They might just be watching tv together….or just playing hide and seek.

The next thing you know, they ended up like me…..

So my advice :

a) if you have a young daughter, never let her out of your sight…especially anywhere that there is a ‘possible predator’. Even in your own house!

b) If you have a teenage son, please JAGA TEPI KAIN dia.Check his belongings for indicators that he MIGHT be thinking of trying IT on a little girl.

c) Do your best, and just pray to Allah so that this thing won’t happen to anyone again!


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